Communication Basics: My Most Famous Mentor

My Most Famous Mentor

It is hard to choose any one person from those who have mentored me, but my most famous mentor is former UCLA Bruins Head Coach, John Wooden.  I think he chose to mentor me because of my “famous” landlords in the LA area, Rod and Marge Rood.

Rod had been a personal friend of former President Dwight D. Eisenhower.   Rod signed the papers in France for the 1984 Olympics to come to LA.   Marge is personal friends with people like Vin Scully.  These two UCLA alumni were incredibly generous people.  So I want everyone to understand they gave me unimaginable open doors.  It was like that magical closet in that movie.  I hope I have been grateful enough for all that they gave me. 

Coach Wooden was a very generous man himself.    He answered me two major questions as a coach.  The first was this: “What are the fundamentals of basketball?”  The second was this: “Should I be coaching or should I be doing something else with my career?”  I know personally why his former players all look up to him. 

His answer to the first question was his “Pyramid of Success”.  It consists of 15 building blocks of success.  I have been privileged now to take those 15 blocks and then add his favorite four letter word – love – to create an action packed diamond from it.  The diamond pictures better the advantage of the traction of action that should increase everyone’s mental health.  

His answer to my second question was his life story of coming from Indiana.  He wanted to pursue baseball, but coming out of Indiana he naturally became a basketball coach.  I guess that is why coming from Wisconsin and the land of Vince Lombardi, I naturally chose football over all the rest. 

 I hope you will take time to benefit especially from Coach Wooden's "Pyramid of Success".  I'll wait and see if my "Diamond of Action Success" will advance his brilliance to yet another level.

Take care.

Sincerely,

Jon

Communication Basics: My Manuscript for My Book has Been Submitted

I have not been writing as frequently on this blog or my other major blog due to my needing to complete a book manuscript for publication.  It will hopefully be out by the end of the year.

The book's title is: Mental Health for Everybody: A Field Guide.  I don't think I have to argue for its relevance.  I might have to argue for its content.

It is a book that will bring basic scientific studies (including psychology) down to the average person's level (but not by bypassing, but by using high level expertise).  I can't wait to hold the first copy in my hands.

It will define the meanings of words like teaching, coaching, schooling, and educating in ways that will foster people's basic mental health.  Remember, it is a field guide.

I did my best to follow the rule of K.I.S.S.  It means "Keep it Simple Silly".  Take care.  I will give updates as good new arrives on my book.


Sincerely,


Jon

Communication Basics: Being Satisfied (A Tutoring Story)

C. S. Lewis once said we are far too easily pleased.  I think we would agree that this also means people are far too easily satisfied.  I tend to agree with him.  That is, if I can believe the opinions of some of my students when I was a tutor.  I asked one of my smarter tutoring student to give me an assessment on his fellow students.  

Communication Basics: Being Ready (Tutoring in a Trilingual Context)

On one occasion I was called in to tutor a young student from a trilingual home situation.  One parent spoke French as their first language.  The other spoke Spanish as their first language.  English in a private school was going to be a challenge.  Thankfully, the assessment I did (that had been passed along to me by another tutor) on that occasion pointed directly at the challenge of English to this young person's mind.

I also functioned with the rule that it is best to work on their struggles in the context of their books and assignments from school without me adding further material.  I always felt that extras could overwhelm the student through violating the K.I.S.S. (Kept It Simple Silly) principle.  I also felt that their context needed to be real.  I had to see what they were seeing.

So I had this student read from the text and then tell me in their own words what it meant.  The student read eloquently for their age, but understood little of what they read.  So I worked hard to raise the level of their comprehension through using not my current far better method of ARWAT, but using traditional grammar of all things.  But it worked despite my shortcomings.

I'll never forget the day I was let go.  It was bittersweet.  I  had accomplished what I set out to do.  I had raised the level of their comprehension and the span of their comprehension.  Her grades demonstrated their readiness for the challenge of English.  All the grades were going up.

I guess when they are ready to go it alone, I've got to be ready to let go.  It truly was exhilarating and bitter at the same time.  But I could tell by the look on their face that they felt differently about themselves.  Maybe they now felt accepted by their teachers and peers because of their new level of school performance.

Knowing that family, I bet you that student never looked back again.  It is funny what a little acceptance and a little logical understanding of a third language can do to a person's life.   Take care to know where acceptable is for you.


Sincerely,

Jon

Communications Basics: Be Seeing (A story of Refereeing)

When I became a referee after having been a player and a coach previously, it opened my eyes to how difficult being a referee was.  But I didn't realize then how important a job the referee had, when it came to dealing with anger.  I'm not talking player anger, I'm talking about fan anger.

It was at a tournament of some kind when I first ran into a fan who tried his best to frazzle me by berating my knowledge of the game of basketball.  I remember at one point taking out the officiating manual and pointing out to him that the rules had changed.  Anyway, the angry shouts over every supposed mistake I made in the game got to the point that others were telling me I had every right to remove him from the gym.

I felt instead I should give him some slack since I too at one time had been harder on officials than they deserved, so I gave this gentlemen a break.  I know, he wasn't behaving like a gentleman.

A few years later, I was no longer wearing my officials uniform and was in a new position as a program director at a camp, when you might guess came in the door with a large young contingent.  I recognized him. I never asked him, if he recognized me.  He probably did.

But you know we became very good friends.  I guess using a soft answer to turn away wrath really does work.  I kept my peace and for not throwing him out on an occasion, I made a friend.

We've all probably been there at some time.  Really angry at someone.  And what did we do?  Well, at least some of the time we probably made ourselves look rather unintelligent.  We weren't seeing our anger or someone else's anger.  And in the end the emotion of peace is linked to the logic of things.  But in the end where these two meet, it comes down to us seeing things from another significant person's point of view.

If I had not seen how that man could be so angry, then I think we would not have become friends.  I would have instead likely raised his anger to a whole new level.  I'm glad I was able to see, to keep my peace, and to keep a friend.  Unfortunately, I have not always done as well as I did that time.  Take care and watch your seeing.  Make sure you see what you ought to see.


Sincerely,

Jon

Communication Basics: Being Willing: (A Tutoring Story)

Some of my best experiences come from one-on-one tutoring.  What is especially helpful is to know that for young minds the emotions are especially paramount based on the development stages of Fowler and others. In all my tutoring, I always assess the student and parents before I agree to take on an assignment.  I perform a basic SWOT (Strengths, Weaknesses, Opportunities, Threats) analysis and then determine whether or not I can help or if they need someone else.

During the start of my tutoring contact, the general parent plea is help my child do better in school.  The general plea of the student is help me do better, so my teachers and  my parents will get off my back.  I say the latter a little tongue in cheek.  They seriously just want to be able to do the task that the school is asking them to perform.  They are usually very willing to take me on as long as I indicate what it is that they need and they agree with that assessment and the realize I can also provide what they need to their satisfaction.

Because here I am referring to things in a more confidential setting in the case of tutoring, I am not going to use names.  If I did that, it might be harder for me to find students to tutor.  I've tutored in California and the Midwest and it can be really gratifying.

On one occasion, I did have a young student for whom friendship was particularly important.  It came down to counseling them through the issue of a supposed best friend who wasn't very friendly.  They needed a little coaxing to help them be willing to find another best friend.  That experience of letting go of a not so good best friend, helped that student flourish, but while they were not willing to let go of the not so good friend, their grades were suffering.  Once this change happened where there was a change in friends, this student experienced more the joy and the connections with other students that feed that joy.  I helped her reduce her grief at school.

It was fun afterward to watch this young student joyfully jump into their seat happy to learn.  Sometimes all you do is give a person a reason to smile again, by helping them to let go of those who are barriers to their life rather than openings for joy.

One other quick note on this student relevant to the struggles of students today.  I shared with the student a saying: "If you chase two rabbits, then both will escape".  It helped them then to focus enough on each assignment rather than suffering from significant distractions.  They even ran around the house teaching the rest of the family this principle.  Sometimes tutoring has its own rewards.

One last part of this story.  So as usual, I worked myself out of my job and the student became strong enough to handle what was needed on their own.  Every parent apologizes to me as a tutor, when they say I am no longer needed.  They don't realize that this is my greatest badge of honor:  "I don't need you anymore, because I can now do it on my own".  I'm so glad they can.  That is my satisfaction.

Sincerely,

Jon

Communication Basics: Being Able (A Football Story)

Sometimes in life a great person comes into your life who possesses what they need.  You only release that thing in them.  That was the case with one of my favorite players, Derrick Williams.  Derrick was the kid with the infectious smile.  But that infectious smile was in danger of turning into a serious frown.  One day in practice, I noticed Derrick was being picked on for holding up our practices.  He was last in nearly every drill.  I really liked this kid and I shared with coach that I thought there was the possibility he might quit if we didn't address what he was facing in practice head on.  The head coach and I, Marty Smith, at the time devised a plan.  Marty knew something about students being picked on since he worked with the developmentally disabled.  Derrick did have those kinds of issues, but his teammates weren't helping things at that point.

We decided to speak to Derrick alone to start.  He told us how he had come out for football as part of an agreement with his parents as a way to lose weight.  We asked him if he was able to do what we asked: Finish every drill to the best of his ability.  We weren't asking him to start beating his teammates.  We were asking him to beat his old self.  We were asking him to never stop and to never quit.  He agreed he could do that.  We told him we would then be addressing the team and the expectations we had for them.  I almost get emotional all over again trying to re-tell this story.

Likely the next day of practice, we addressed the players and told them that Derrick had promised us to never quit on the drills and that he would give it his all.  So they were expected to encourage him. I don't think even Marty was ready for what was to come.

I didn't realize it then, but we gave Derrick a boost in confidence by letting him know he could do what we were asking.  We also added to that a logical visible strategy of what we wanted him to do and it was doable for him. He did what we asked.

The results were beyond what I expected as well.  I started watching the guys gradually get stronger in their encouragement of Derrick.  I think it might have started to become a competition on who could shout the loudest for him in words of encouragement.  There were too those slaps of encouragement that football players love.  The atmosphere changed from one of jeering to cheering.  It was the icing on the cake, but again there was something more that was to happen.

If I recall correctly, it was a year later when I saw a football player running toward me who I eventually recognized was Derrick.  He was smiling from one side of his face to the other with that effectious smile of his.  Here was a guy now shaped no longer widest in the middle, but widest in the shoulders and narrowest in the middle.  It was amazing what he had done.

He had his emotional confidence.  He had his logical "to do" plan.  Who knows what Derrick might be able to accomplish.  I can't wait to find out what you can do also.  Take care.

Sincerely,

Jon