Emotions are a TOUCHY subject, you might say! But also in addition to leave them UNTOUCHED is dangerous. Tonight, I listened to a political candidate give a well-reasoned concession speech. It also touched on some emotions. But I am not as certain that it was as well-emotioned (to add a new word) as well-reasoned of a speech. It missed some key measures, when it comes to what emotions are involved in trying to win over others. Could it be this is why a concession speech was offered rather than a winning speech?
Here are the basic negative and positive emotions. In most ideal cases, I would list the positives before the negatives, but in our situation today in the United States negative emotions are the place to begin, if we can learn anything from some of the winners in this political cycle. Here are the five basic sets:
shame and acceptance
grief and joy
jealousy and contentment
fear and confidence
anger and peace.
I love the positive emotions, as we all should. Sometimes though, you have to begin with reality. People are experiencing more reasons for the negative emotions than the positive ones. They are getting robbed. I believe Americans are! That makes the negative emotions kick in for healthy reasons, not for unhealthy ones.
Notice that we can paint or draw a rosy picture, but you can't make a burned up rose into a beautiful rose with an actual photograph. It would have to be doctored to be as beautiful. An actual photograph is then what it is. The photograph stills reality. It is not a painting or picture.
What is to be done; when people are forced to feel shame, grief, jealousy, fear, and anger? Are we to just tell people to paint a positive picture? No. I think we are to lead them out from theses negative emotions to where the positive emotions make sense. We are not to ignore the negatives.
Great leaders express the emotions of those people, who are their followers. They do these things about the negative emotions as well as the positive. They get angry about the negatives. They don't get out of control - they don't lose it. They get after the anger and the problems and solve them instead.
They tackle what is upsetting. They see the shame that is not necessary when ready. They get it. They don't ignore it.
They conquer what is frustrating. They see the grief that is not necessary when willing. They get it. They don't ignore it.
They fight what is distressing. They see the jealousy that is not necessary when satisfying. They get it. They don't ignore it.
They help against what is intimidating. They see the fear that is not necessary when able. They get it. They don't ignore it.
They discover or search out what is undeniable. They see the anger that is not necessary when sensible. They get it. They don't ignore it.
What distresses me about even some of my favorite people and politicians is that some times they paint a rosy picture in a tough situation. They color white and positive what is black and negative. You have to go into the negative and lead people emotionally into the positive. You have to get people's distressing situations. You can't just whitewash emotions.
Emotions aren't deceiving, but people are. Emotions are a normal part of the nervous system as much as logic. There are ill emotional and well as illogical. I wonder if tonight the concession speech happened mainly due to the negative emotional part of people not being addressed. Perhaps it was too much ignored or downplayed - the fear, the anger, and the frustration. Maybe some can't win, because they ignore these emotions that reflect reality not deception.
Optimism is great, but better than that is emotion that is healthy - emotion that knows the negative emotions as well as the positive ones. We are equipped with negative emotions for a reason. Bad things happen. Let's not ignore the bad things or the negative emotions attached to them. Let's win over them. Being logical is great, but greater still is well emotion and healthy logic.
Emotions must be TOUCHED, not UNTOUCHED. We need leadership that properly taps into the negative emotions and overcomes the obstacles to positive ones; so that people have many reasons for the positive emotions of acceptance, joy, contentment, confidence, and peace.
I'm a bit sad this evening that people and sometimes some pretty good ones are still not getting it. They are still ignoring what emotions are out there, even if they do it unintentionally. Even an unintentional error is still an error. I'm not sure if one can be right, when one is wrong about emotions. Maybe winning and losing says more than the loser realizes.
May the rain stop falling on our heads and may there be sunshine on our shoulders instead. Then we will be well to be happy. What a TOUCHING emotional and logical scene that will be!
Peace to All my Friends.
Jon Westlund
Showing posts with label Emotions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Emotions. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 15, 2016
Monday, July 28, 2014
Communication Basics: Being Ready (A Football Story)
There are only a few games in my entire coaching career where I felt a bit of shame. In three cases, there was nothing that I could do, because control over aspects of the game had been taken from me. There was one game where it looked like I might feel more than a bit of shame. I was the coach in charge. The head caoch was gone for that week. I thought we were reasonably ready to play. That time I was wrong.
We unceremoniously fell behind 16-0 at the end of the first half. For a freshman team that is a long way behind, because usually a quarterback takes a bit longer to mature as a passer than do some of the other positions with their respective roles. So heading to our end zone area at the end of the half, I had better have something to say to avoid a potentially embarrassing loss.
I saw everyone of my player's heads hanging. I think I interpreted this as a lack of confidence at the time. I now realize it was a clear indication of shame. You know this too. Your parents will say to you when you are ashamed, "Stop hanging your head". So I pulled out a story that didn't just address fear and confidence, but also shame and acceptance. I did not realize the latter then, but I got lucky. Then I hitched to that story the idea of Keep It Simple Silly (KISS). I was just thinking of the idea of information load here and not overloading their brains. Actually, it is also a great logic to connect with the feelings of acceptance. How many times can a guy get lucky in one game?
So I shared with them that I had watched our team while I was playing come back from 21-0 at the half and win in a state record 5 overtimes. Part of this story too each guy taking responsibility for their part on the field rather than pointing the finger at someone else. Then I told the offense one thing to fix and the defense one thing to fix. I told them not to think about any other errors. Just fix the biggest on each side of the ball. This did avoid mental overload, but it also avoided acceptance overload - we'll never measure up.
I was about to be greeted by one of the greatest turn arounds I have witnessed in my life. Two things really stand out. First, is one of the more talented players on our team stepping up and taking on more responsibility rather than pointing his finger at others. The other is that the defense did exactly what I asked and it changed everything on that side of the ball. The offense quickly turned their game around as well as we roared back into the game the second half. Very late in the game, we had one play left to win or to lose, the score was that close.
We came up just a few yards shy on that last play of winning the game. Everyone on our sideline knew that with more play or with any more luck we would have won. The most shocking thing was the response from our fans. One of the parents said that in all of the games he had witnessed he had never seen anything like it. I also was greeted by the other coach who asked, "What did you change at halftime?" I had to apologize and say I can't answer that question. They were after all probably our number one rival in our conference.
But only sidnce this last May 2014, have I seen what I did. I did it then, but I didn't see it. Not only that I think I mishandled the players feelings of acceptance later, because I didn't know that is what they were feeling. You see that second half, the KISS method made it possible for the players on each side to feel they measured up to what was acceptable to me and then thta changed the scoreboard in terms of what was acceptable to their fans. It is a "shame" that we didn't score on that last play, but the shame of the first half, it was rightly gone. They had good reason to feel so unashamed for that half. Take care and face down shame and aim instead for acceptance. That is the emotional part of being ready.
Sincerely
We unceremoniously fell behind 16-0 at the end of the first half. For a freshman team that is a long way behind, because usually a quarterback takes a bit longer to mature as a passer than do some of the other positions with their respective roles. So heading to our end zone area at the end of the half, I had better have something to say to avoid a potentially embarrassing loss.
I saw everyone of my player's heads hanging. I think I interpreted this as a lack of confidence at the time. I now realize it was a clear indication of shame. You know this too. Your parents will say to you when you are ashamed, "Stop hanging your head". So I pulled out a story that didn't just address fear and confidence, but also shame and acceptance. I did not realize the latter then, but I got lucky. Then I hitched to that story the idea of Keep It Simple Silly (KISS). I was just thinking of the idea of information load here and not overloading their brains. Actually, it is also a great logic to connect with the feelings of acceptance. How many times can a guy get lucky in one game?
So I shared with them that I had watched our team while I was playing come back from 21-0 at the half and win in a state record 5 overtimes. Part of this story too each guy taking responsibility for their part on the field rather than pointing the finger at someone else. Then I told the offense one thing to fix and the defense one thing to fix. I told them not to think about any other errors. Just fix the biggest on each side of the ball. This did avoid mental overload, but it also avoided acceptance overload - we'll never measure up.
I was about to be greeted by one of the greatest turn arounds I have witnessed in my life. Two things really stand out. First, is one of the more talented players on our team stepping up and taking on more responsibility rather than pointing his finger at others. The other is that the defense did exactly what I asked and it changed everything on that side of the ball. The offense quickly turned their game around as well as we roared back into the game the second half. Very late in the game, we had one play left to win or to lose, the score was that close.
We came up just a few yards shy on that last play of winning the game. Everyone on our sideline knew that with more play or with any more luck we would have won. The most shocking thing was the response from our fans. One of the parents said that in all of the games he had witnessed he had never seen anything like it. I also was greeted by the other coach who asked, "What did you change at halftime?" I had to apologize and say I can't answer that question. They were after all probably our number one rival in our conference.
But only sidnce this last May 2014, have I seen what I did. I did it then, but I didn't see it. Not only that I think I mishandled the players feelings of acceptance later, because I didn't know that is what they were feeling. You see that second half, the KISS method made it possible for the players on each side to feel they measured up to what was acceptable to me and then thta changed the scoreboard in terms of what was acceptable to their fans. It is a "shame" that we didn't score on that last play, but the shame of the first half, it was rightly gone. They had good reason to feel so unashamed for that half. Take care and face down shame and aim instead for acceptance. That is the emotional part of being ready.
Sincerely
Communication Basics: Being Willing (A Football Story)
Two times after games I have had the opposing coaches ask me what I did after a victory. Of course, I could not tell them then, because I wanted to keep our competitve advantage. Well, time has now passed and I can be more open about what we did as a staff and players.
By far, one of the most dramatic games I have ever coached was one where we entirely blew another team out as far as the score was concerned. I don't know any longer the exact details, so I apologize for any errors, but I ask that you indulge me for using my best guesses. I do know two details for certain. We did not allow them to score and they gained minus yards for their offence for the entire game.
It was the same year as the LA Riots of the spring of that same year, except it was now the fall following adn there was fear over another race related incident. The LA Riots had inflicted a great deal of damage upon the city. Not just in its buildings, but in its people. Race relations had significantly diminished. In some neighborhoods where different racial groups had enjoyed relative friendship there were now more hard feelings.
In a time of a breakdown in relationships between people, there is always a sense of grief. But in this case, it wasn't a loss related to losing a friend due to natural health reasons. It was related to accusations of prejudice based on race. This same kind of issue as I recall happened again in the through an incident relating to police conduct again.
At this same time, there was also a freshman football game scheduled between our predonminately caucasionan school and a school that was predominantly Afriecan_ American school. School administrators from both schools wisely decided to delay the game another waek before we played each other. Unfortuanatley, while wisdom prevailed the folloiwing week not much had changed in the minds of our players. I think the general sense on the bus was that what is usually a friendly game of football might turn out to be otherwise. Our guys were reasonably afraid of playing under those conditions. What I noticed was that the fear was not isolated to a few players. There was fear that could lead to a disasterous outome. I turned to the head coach and I mentioned that due to our duty to keep our players safe, we might have to forfeit due to our players' state of mind. Marty was the head coach and he was not too keen on that idea.
I agreed with him and then I saw a way out for us. I told him I thought the actual threat of a forfeit might wake our players up and I might be able to convince our players to play with the condition that they could not play with fear. He allowed me to try it.
When the bus stopped at the opposing school, I heard the rattle of pads and asked the players to remain in their seats. I told them I was going to talk to the opposing coach. Our team captains quickly realized something was up and they wanted to know what. I told them that due to their fear, I felt that we had to consider forfeiting because fear is not a safe way to approach the game. In football terms, we call it a major factor in entering a game and "getting killed".
As I expected, they wanted nothing to do with a forfeit. So I made a bargain with them. If they didn't want to forfeit, then they needed to overcome their fear of unfriendly competition. I didn't use the word confidence, but I know that is what I wanted from them. I then told them a strategy for overcoming their fears based on my dad's saying, "they are more afraid of you than you are of them" and one of my coaches allowing me to set the bar with an opposing player where he was afraid of me rather than the other way around. I also reminded our players that while they needed to play hard they needed to play clean. This is what I think more than anything keeps competition friendly. Playing hard was to mean just that without any cheap shots.
I must have gotten their attention and they were absolutely true to their word to do as I asked. They satisfied entirely Coach Marty Smith's and my concerns. They went straight down the field on the opening kickoff and it looked like a bowling ball knocking down the pins in an alley for a strike.
We won that day without any effort to run up the score, something like 38-0. But perahaps the most telling was the defensive effort of keeping the other team to a minus 7 yards for the game. Keep in mind this was a freshman squad. They were a long ways from seasoned senior players.
This game demonstrates the importance of addressing not just strategy and plans but also the emotions of players. The other thing is that the order was emotions first, logic second. This fits with the findings of Dan Goleman in his book, Emotional Intelligence. The result was a team that was willing to play cleanly and without fear right then and there. The game turned into a joyful occasion from one that seemed would turn out otherwise on the ride over on the bus. Even in the greeting at the end of the game, the other coach clearly perceived the cleanness of our game. He just had one simple question. What did you do?
I'm still hesitant to tell the whole story. But anyway, now he and others know more than I revealed then. Telling the whole story is almost like telling everybody your favorite fishing hole. No one does that, do they?. Anyway, I still am going to hold a little back. Take care of your fearful players.
Sincerely,
Jon
By far, one of the most dramatic games I have ever coached was one where we entirely blew another team out as far as the score was concerned. I don't know any longer the exact details, so I apologize for any errors, but I ask that you indulge me for using my best guesses. I do know two details for certain. We did not allow them to score and they gained minus yards for their offence for the entire game.
It was the same year as the LA Riots of the spring of that same year, except it was now the fall following adn there was fear over another race related incident. The LA Riots had inflicted a great deal of damage upon the city. Not just in its buildings, but in its people. Race relations had significantly diminished. In some neighborhoods where different racial groups had enjoyed relative friendship there were now more hard feelings.
In a time of a breakdown in relationships between people, there is always a sense of grief. But in this case, it wasn't a loss related to losing a friend due to natural health reasons. It was related to accusations of prejudice based on race. This same kind of issue as I recall happened again in the through an incident relating to police conduct again.
At this same time, there was also a freshman football game scheduled between our predonminately caucasionan school and a school that was predominantly Afriecan_ American school. School administrators from both schools wisely decided to delay the game another waek before we played each other. Unfortuanatley, while wisdom prevailed the folloiwing week not much had changed in the minds of our players. I think the general sense on the bus was that what is usually a friendly game of football might turn out to be otherwise. Our guys were reasonably afraid of playing under those conditions. What I noticed was that the fear was not isolated to a few players. There was fear that could lead to a disasterous outome. I turned to the head coach and I mentioned that due to our duty to keep our players safe, we might have to forfeit due to our players' state of mind. Marty was the head coach and he was not too keen on that idea.
I agreed with him and then I saw a way out for us. I told him I thought the actual threat of a forfeit might wake our players up and I might be able to convince our players to play with the condition that they could not play with fear. He allowed me to try it.
When the bus stopped at the opposing school, I heard the rattle of pads and asked the players to remain in their seats. I told them I was going to talk to the opposing coach. Our team captains quickly realized something was up and they wanted to know what. I told them that due to their fear, I felt that we had to consider forfeiting because fear is not a safe way to approach the game. In football terms, we call it a major factor in entering a game and "getting killed".
As I expected, they wanted nothing to do with a forfeit. So I made a bargain with them. If they didn't want to forfeit, then they needed to overcome their fear of unfriendly competition. I didn't use the word confidence, but I know that is what I wanted from them. I then told them a strategy for overcoming their fears based on my dad's saying, "they are more afraid of you than you are of them" and one of my coaches allowing me to set the bar with an opposing player where he was afraid of me rather than the other way around. I also reminded our players that while they needed to play hard they needed to play clean. This is what I think more than anything keeps competition friendly. Playing hard was to mean just that without any cheap shots.
I must have gotten their attention and they were absolutely true to their word to do as I asked. They satisfied entirely Coach Marty Smith's and my concerns. They went straight down the field on the opening kickoff and it looked like a bowling ball knocking down the pins in an alley for a strike.
We won that day without any effort to run up the score, something like 38-0. But perahaps the most telling was the defensive effort of keeping the other team to a minus 7 yards for the game. Keep in mind this was a freshman squad. They were a long ways from seasoned senior players.
This game demonstrates the importance of addressing not just strategy and plans but also the emotions of players. The other thing is that the order was emotions first, logic second. This fits with the findings of Dan Goleman in his book, Emotional Intelligence. The result was a team that was willing to play cleanly and without fear right then and there. The game turned into a joyful occasion from one that seemed would turn out otherwise on the ride over on the bus. Even in the greeting at the end of the game, the other coach clearly perceived the cleanness of our game. He just had one simple question. What did you do?
I'm still hesitant to tell the whole story. But anyway, now he and others know more than I revealed then. Telling the whole story is almost like telling everybody your favorite fishing hole. No one does that, do they?. Anyway, I still am going to hold a little back. Take care of your fearful players.
Sincerely,
Jon
Communication Basics: You Can Get Satisfaction
The basics for the mind and/or the organ of seeing is this set:
ready
willing
satisfying
able
seeing
The question remains of what makes us ready, wiling, satisfactory, able and seeing. I believe it consists of two lists that together not alone create a mind that is satisfied. The first list is our basic emotions. They are:
acceptance
joy
emulation (I want to be like you)
confidence
peace
The second list is basic logic thing categories. They are:
amounts
relationship
whole
action
thing
When these sets are preent the mind is satisfied. When they are not present the mind is not satisfied, but restless until they are found. That is the core of my approach to ,mental health.
There absence is what I believe produced mental illness. You must avoid these in terms of what should be the stronger in your life. Take care of your mental health and satisfaction.
Sincerely,
Jon
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
Communication 101: 10 Ways to Calm Down the Angry
You probably have heard that the first thing in defusing the angry is to stay calm. That is one part of some very good advice, when dealing with the angry. To be frank, I think dealing with angry people has been my hardest struggle, when it comes to my emotions. I am great at moving someone from fear to confidence, but not as good at moving someone from angry to calm. So I have been studying this task. Here is what I have learned so far (organizing it according to my IQ pattern found in my ARWAT method).
Here is the best advice I can give so far in ten fairly basic steps:
1. Get Engaged - ask the angry person questions to show you are listening.
2. Use Anger as a Meter - gauge their anger like you use a Geiger counter to alert you to the degree of the problem.
3. Assert Your Eyes or Hit the Road Together - Show you are not trying to avoid them through eye contact or get them to move with you rather than against you.by taking a walk together.
4. Tune In - get involved in listening to them fast and don't wait until anger has risen to the top of the bell curve where they are now totally out of control.
5. Own Up Maturely - make sure that own what is yours including your mistakes and admit them maturely and not condescendingly.
6. Lower Your Thermostat - stay calm while they are angry. It is back to that advice to return a soft answer in return for anger.
7. Take a Step Back - See things from their perspective without necessarily agreeing. Acknowledge what their concern is that has them angry.
8. Use Magic Phrases - Try things like, "Yes, I agree." or "You're right" or "I'm sorry". Nothing disarms like taking their side on anything you can agree on as common ground.
9. Don't Feed the Angry Person Data - this can say that you are not listening and that you are being disrespectful. Find instead some way to be respectful toward their concerns.
10. Set Limits - Say what you will let be and what you won't let be, because you get what you tolerate. If their rage is a little too melodramatic, a little too frequent, a little too abusive, then give them a chance to change to what you can tolerate from what is intolerable. Give them a different kind of choice.
I got the content for this from an article by Men's Health titled: 11 Ways to Calm Down an Angry Woman. I figured there is no way I couldn't learn from an article with that title. But like I said, I have re-organized it so that it follows my logical intelligence material (ARWAT) as well. That way the emotional and the logical brain can talk to each other more easily through parallels. So if you learn my logic tool as well as my emotional tool you should be able to make the emotions and logic work together which is better than either one alone by far.
Anyway, I hope these ideas give you a way from anger to calm at least for yourself and hopefully a way for yourself to help others to move from anger to calm. I sure wish I could do this like I can move someone from fear to confidence. That one I have known well for years due to some good teaching from my dad.
I wrote my points for moving from fear to confidence today, so maybe I can post those things tomorrow. So I hope you have found a better way to communicate, while considering the emotions of another person's mind and not just their mind's logic. Take care.
Sincerely,
Jon
.
Here is the best advice I can give so far in ten fairly basic steps:
1. Get Engaged - ask the angry person questions to show you are listening.
2. Use Anger as a Meter - gauge their anger like you use a Geiger counter to alert you to the degree of the problem.
3. Assert Your Eyes or Hit the Road Together - Show you are not trying to avoid them through eye contact or get them to move with you rather than against you.by taking a walk together.
4. Tune In - get involved in listening to them fast and don't wait until anger has risen to the top of the bell curve where they are now totally out of control.
5. Own Up Maturely - make sure that own what is yours including your mistakes and admit them maturely and not condescendingly.
6. Lower Your Thermostat - stay calm while they are angry. It is back to that advice to return a soft answer in return for anger.
7. Take a Step Back - See things from their perspective without necessarily agreeing. Acknowledge what their concern is that has them angry.
8. Use Magic Phrases - Try things like, "Yes, I agree." or "You're right" or "I'm sorry". Nothing disarms like taking their side on anything you can agree on as common ground.
9. Don't Feed the Angry Person Data - this can say that you are not listening and that you are being disrespectful. Find instead some way to be respectful toward their concerns.
10. Set Limits - Say what you will let be and what you won't let be, because you get what you tolerate. If their rage is a little too melodramatic, a little too frequent, a little too abusive, then give them a chance to change to what you can tolerate from what is intolerable. Give them a different kind of choice.
I got the content for this from an article by Men's Health titled: 11 Ways to Calm Down an Angry Woman. I figured there is no way I couldn't learn from an article with that title. But like I said, I have re-organized it so that it follows my logical intelligence material (ARWAT) as well. That way the emotional and the logical brain can talk to each other more easily through parallels. So if you learn my logic tool as well as my emotional tool you should be able to make the emotions and logic work together which is better than either one alone by far.
Anyway, I hope these ideas give you a way from anger to calm at least for yourself and hopefully a way for yourself to help others to move from anger to calm. I sure wish I could do this like I can move someone from fear to confidence. That one I have known well for years due to some good teaching from my dad.
I wrote my points for moving from fear to confidence today, so maybe I can post those things tomorrow. So I hope you have found a better way to communicate, while considering the emotions of another person's mind and not just their mind's logic. Take care.
Sincerely,
Jon
.
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