Sometimes in life a great person comes into your life who possesses what they need. You only release that thing in them. That was the case with one of my favorite players, Derrick Williams. Derrick was the kid with the infectious smile. But that infectious smile was in danger of turning into a serious frown. One day in practice, I noticed Derrick was being picked on for holding up our practices. He was last in nearly every drill. I really liked this kid and I shared with coach that I thought there was the possibility he might quit if we didn't address what he was facing in practice head on. The head coach and I, Marty Smith, at the time devised a plan. Marty knew something about students being picked on since he worked with the developmentally disabled. Derrick did have those kinds of issues, but his teammates weren't helping things at that point.
We decided to speak to Derrick alone to start. He told us how he had come out for football as part of an agreement with his parents as a way to lose weight. We asked him if he was able to do what we asked: Finish every drill to the best of his ability. We weren't asking him to start beating his teammates. We were asking him to beat his old self. We were asking him to never stop and to never quit. He agreed he could do that. We told him we would then be addressing the team and the expectations we had for them. I almost get emotional all over again trying to re-tell this story.
Likely the next day of practice, we addressed the players and told them that Derrick had promised us to never quit on the drills and that he would give it his all. So they were expected to encourage him. I don't think even Marty was ready for what was to come.
I didn't realize it then, but we gave Derrick a boost in confidence by letting him know he could do what we were asking. We also added to that a logical visible strategy of what we wanted him to do and it was doable for him. He did what we asked.
The results were beyond what I expected as well. I started watching the guys gradually get stronger in their encouragement of Derrick. I think it might have started to become a competition on who could shout the loudest for him in words of encouragement. There were too those slaps of encouragement that football players love. The atmosphere changed from one of jeering to cheering. It was the icing on the cake, but again there was something more that was to happen.
If I recall correctly, it was a year later when I saw a football player running toward me who I eventually recognized was Derrick. He was smiling from one side of his face to the other with that effectious smile of his. Here was a guy now shaped no longer widest in the middle, but widest in the shoulders and narrowest in the middle. It was amazing what he had done.
He had his emotional confidence. He had his logical "to do" plan. Who knows what Derrick might be able to accomplish. I can't wait to find out what you can do also. Take care.
Sincerely,
Jon
Showing posts with label IQ. Show all posts
Showing posts with label IQ. Show all posts
Monday, July 28, 2014
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
Communication 101: 10 Ways to Calm Down the Angry
You probably have heard that the first thing in defusing the angry is to stay calm. That is one part of some very good advice, when dealing with the angry. To be frank, I think dealing with angry people has been my hardest struggle, when it comes to my emotions. I am great at moving someone from fear to confidence, but not as good at moving someone from angry to calm. So I have been studying this task. Here is what I have learned so far (organizing it according to my IQ pattern found in my ARWAT method).
Here is the best advice I can give so far in ten fairly basic steps:
1. Get Engaged - ask the angry person questions to show you are listening.
2. Use Anger as a Meter - gauge their anger like you use a Geiger counter to alert you to the degree of the problem.
3. Assert Your Eyes or Hit the Road Together - Show you are not trying to avoid them through eye contact or get them to move with you rather than against you.by taking a walk together.
4. Tune In - get involved in listening to them fast and don't wait until anger has risen to the top of the bell curve where they are now totally out of control.
5. Own Up Maturely - make sure that own what is yours including your mistakes and admit them maturely and not condescendingly.
6. Lower Your Thermostat - stay calm while they are angry. It is back to that advice to return a soft answer in return for anger.
7. Take a Step Back - See things from their perspective without necessarily agreeing. Acknowledge what their concern is that has them angry.
8. Use Magic Phrases - Try things like, "Yes, I agree." or "You're right" or "I'm sorry". Nothing disarms like taking their side on anything you can agree on as common ground.
9. Don't Feed the Angry Person Data - this can say that you are not listening and that you are being disrespectful. Find instead some way to be respectful toward their concerns.
10. Set Limits - Say what you will let be and what you won't let be, because you get what you tolerate. If their rage is a little too melodramatic, a little too frequent, a little too abusive, then give them a chance to change to what you can tolerate from what is intolerable. Give them a different kind of choice.
I got the content for this from an article by Men's Health titled: 11 Ways to Calm Down an Angry Woman. I figured there is no way I couldn't learn from an article with that title. But like I said, I have re-organized it so that it follows my logical intelligence material (ARWAT) as well. That way the emotional and the logical brain can talk to each other more easily through parallels. So if you learn my logic tool as well as my emotional tool you should be able to make the emotions and logic work together which is better than either one alone by far.
Anyway, I hope these ideas give you a way from anger to calm at least for yourself and hopefully a way for yourself to help others to move from anger to calm. I sure wish I could do this like I can move someone from fear to confidence. That one I have known well for years due to some good teaching from my dad.
I wrote my points for moving from fear to confidence today, so maybe I can post those things tomorrow. So I hope you have found a better way to communicate, while considering the emotions of another person's mind and not just their mind's logic. Take care.
Sincerely,
Jon
.
Here is the best advice I can give so far in ten fairly basic steps:
1. Get Engaged - ask the angry person questions to show you are listening.
2. Use Anger as a Meter - gauge their anger like you use a Geiger counter to alert you to the degree of the problem.
3. Assert Your Eyes or Hit the Road Together - Show you are not trying to avoid them through eye contact or get them to move with you rather than against you.by taking a walk together.
4. Tune In - get involved in listening to them fast and don't wait until anger has risen to the top of the bell curve where they are now totally out of control.
5. Own Up Maturely - make sure that own what is yours including your mistakes and admit them maturely and not condescendingly.
6. Lower Your Thermostat - stay calm while they are angry. It is back to that advice to return a soft answer in return for anger.
7. Take a Step Back - See things from their perspective without necessarily agreeing. Acknowledge what their concern is that has them angry.
8. Use Magic Phrases - Try things like, "Yes, I agree." or "You're right" or "I'm sorry". Nothing disarms like taking their side on anything you can agree on as common ground.
9. Don't Feed the Angry Person Data - this can say that you are not listening and that you are being disrespectful. Find instead some way to be respectful toward their concerns.
10. Set Limits - Say what you will let be and what you won't let be, because you get what you tolerate. If their rage is a little too melodramatic, a little too frequent, a little too abusive, then give them a chance to change to what you can tolerate from what is intolerable. Give them a different kind of choice.
I got the content for this from an article by Men's Health titled: 11 Ways to Calm Down an Angry Woman. I figured there is no way I couldn't learn from an article with that title. But like I said, I have re-organized it so that it follows my logical intelligence material (ARWAT) as well. That way the emotional and the logical brain can talk to each other more easily through parallels. So if you learn my logic tool as well as my emotional tool you should be able to make the emotions and logic work together which is better than either one alone by far.
Anyway, I hope these ideas give you a way from anger to calm at least for yourself and hopefully a way for yourself to help others to move from anger to calm. I sure wish I could do this like I can move someone from fear to confidence. That one I have known well for years due to some good teaching from my dad.
I wrote my points for moving from fear to confidence today, so maybe I can post those things tomorrow. So I hope you have found a better way to communicate, while considering the emotions of another person's mind and not just their mind's logic. Take care.
Sincerely,
Jon
.
Thursday, May 1, 2014
Communication 101: Emotional Intelligence (EQ) AND Logical Intelligence (IQ) EQUALS Ethical Intelligence (AQ)
For the most part on this blog or site, I have spoken to the issues of communication in terms of logical intelligence (IQ) - "Why wouldn't you switch to this new method, because it works where others fail?". That is all well and good and I am not saying that all my appeals have been logical appeals, because I have also made some emotional appeals in among the logical. But today I want to make an ethical appeal - one that combines emotional intelligence appeals with logical intelligence appeals - while purposely not trying to insult either one. In other words, though I have always acknowledged the emotional side, today I want to make it more explicit. Sticking with my blog's tool or method focused approach - I want to introduce you to the AJECC method today to go alongside my ARWAT method. (These two methods mean that I will also have to develop a ethical method as well, but not today!).
This has been a long time coming, in part because psychologists have a hard time agreeing on the emotions. Well to no surprise, using the best of the old and the best of the new worked for me again. I combined Plutnik's new ideas on emotions with Aristotle's old ideas on emotions (with some of my own stuff mainly gleaned from Scripture and language study since the Bible uses language) to get to where I arrived today. I was not there yesterday, or the day before that, or the day before that as opposed to where I am in today. Hey, if you keep driving, you usually get somewhere eventually!
Yesterday I put together Plutnik's stuff in a new format, but also noted some emotional gaps in his format. For one thing, Darwin and his crowd die hard, even when they are wrong. This kept Plutnik's model of emotions a little blinded. So reading in Aristotle's Rhetoric today, I looked for his section on emotions (pathos) to see if he could yield insight. Once again, some old Greek writer woke me up with a new thought. What if pathos (emotional appeal) is the greater part of our neurological function, the logical (logos) is lesser part of our neurological function, and the ethical (ethos) - combining the two together - the greatest part of our neurological function?
Here's an example of what I am driving at with this idea. The problem in most appeals today is that they are either all logical or all emotional or at least come too close to those extreme kinds. I am tired of both standing alone without the other. I want some emotional intelligence with some logical intelligence and I am prepared to get mad about it. That's right, emotional about it; but without losing the other half of my nervous system, of course. Why shouldn't a person be upset about something being slighted according to Aristotle? And that is exactly what is happening.
Ironically, today is s special day nationally - it is in the United States the National Day of Prayer. It is also in Wisconsin at least Mental Health Awareness month as declared by Governor Walker. It is also the day that two mental health related deaths occurred in Wisconsin with one in Milwaukee and one elsewhere (among others I am sure). In each case there was a mental health related element that went unresolved.
Milwaukee Police Chief Ed Flynn got angry (at a reasonable level) today about not enough being done for the mentally ill. He said that "none of the investments seem to go to the heart of the problem', when it comes to mental health. He also wanted to be clear that he was not saying this cause any hard feelings in the system, but to simply say that not enough was being done for the mentally ill. I concur. When is the madness going to stop?
Sadly, the very place where both emotional intelligence and logical intelligence should be addressed is also where mad men and mad young people choose to carry out mass killings and their own suicides. We are in dire straits. I do not know how children today can go to school in many communities without fear. I ask: "How do they do it?" Do they just believe it will not happen here - we are fearless? Is that a solution or masking over a deep problem? I think it is the latter.
That is why I think we need to promote EQ of the mind in both private and public schools to really address the problem. Here is how I see each:
I am not certain how easy this "picture" will be to see and read, so let me repeat some of it. First, I should explain that I have used my ARWAT method to set up an ideal order for emotions. Remember I don't think that either emotion or logic is bad and that actually the two together is the ideal. So here is the order of our emotions or feelings (ideally speaking only):
1) Acceptance & Shame (Acceptance is not the same as shameless)
2) Joy & Grief (Joy is not the same as grief-less)
3) Emulation & Envy (Emulation is not envy-less)
4) Confidence & Fear (Confidence is not fearless)
5) Calm & Anger (Calm is not anger-less)
Let me draw out these ideas a bit further:
Acceptance happens when we feel ready (whether due to internal or external reasons)
Shame happens when we feel unready (whether due to internal or external reasons)
Joy happens when there is a will and a way (whether due to internal or external reasons)
Grief happens when even if there is a will there is no way (whether due to internal or external reasons)
Emulation happens when people want to be as one example, "like Mike" (whether due to internal or external reasons)
Envy happens when people want to keep others from being "like Mike" (whether due to internal or external reasons)
Confidence happens when people can do something (whether due to internal or external reasons)
Fear happens when people can't do something (whether due to internal or external reasons)
Calm happens when a person is acknowledged or seen (whether due to internal or external reasons)
Anger happens when a person goes unacknowledged or unseen (whether due to internal or external reasons)
Let me also lay out intellectual intelligence though I have spoken or written about ARWAT before:
This tool combined with the first (see my other previous posts to better understand ARWAT as a method) combine to give us a mind that is ethical. Aristotle spoke of three elements of persuasion: the ethos (ethical), the pathos (emotional), and logos (logical). This latter too is logical. But combined with emotional intelligence, the two together can make a person ethical in terms of knowing good from wrong and greater from lesser.
It is time to resolve the mental health crisis. I say mental because the schools are doing it. They do not grade kids on emotional health. They grade them only on logical health. I have counseled people all the way up to summa cum laude's that were suicidal. They had IQ, but not EQ. I failed in EQ also back in 1983, and I was so devastated by the experience that I resolved and I asked the Good Lord not to ever bring me back there again. Folks, I have not ever been back there again especially in the last 10 years with a raised IQ, but also through years of counseling and good reading to where I have now raised my EQ.
I can't tell you how much I want to make this the month to change things. Why not choose the emotion of joy now over the emotion of grief? Is not putting the solution off simply inviting grief? Do you really think children are safe when adults and children lack emotional intelligence?
If you do I think you are like Magic Johnson who convinced himself that AIDs could never happen to him. If you will use your emotional intelligence and realize how it devastated Magic at least use your logic and remember he was wrong to think it. Let's make this Mental Health Awareness Month into Mental Health Change Month in Wisconsin and in the rest of our nation and the world. Can you give an emotional reason again not to chose joy now over more grief again? Please, I beg you do not procrastinate. It is too potentially costly to our schools. Let's bring back emotion into our teaching, so that the ethic of mass killing followed by high IQ person committing suicide may end. I pray to God on this National Day of Prayer that He will make it so.
Sincerely,
Jon
This has been a long time coming, in part because psychologists have a hard time agreeing on the emotions. Well to no surprise, using the best of the old and the best of the new worked for me again. I combined Plutnik's new ideas on emotions with Aristotle's old ideas on emotions (with some of my own stuff mainly gleaned from Scripture and language study since the Bible uses language) to get to where I arrived today. I was not there yesterday, or the day before that, or the day before that as opposed to where I am in today. Hey, if you keep driving, you usually get somewhere eventually!
Yesterday I put together Plutnik's stuff in a new format, but also noted some emotional gaps in his format. For one thing, Darwin and his crowd die hard, even when they are wrong. This kept Plutnik's model of emotions a little blinded. So reading in Aristotle's Rhetoric today, I looked for his section on emotions (pathos) to see if he could yield insight. Once again, some old Greek writer woke me up with a new thought. What if pathos (emotional appeal) is the greater part of our neurological function, the logical (logos) is lesser part of our neurological function, and the ethical (ethos) - combining the two together - the greatest part of our neurological function?
Here's an example of what I am driving at with this idea. The problem in most appeals today is that they are either all logical or all emotional or at least come too close to those extreme kinds. I am tired of both standing alone without the other. I want some emotional intelligence with some logical intelligence and I am prepared to get mad about it. That's right, emotional about it; but without losing the other half of my nervous system, of course. Why shouldn't a person be upset about something being slighted according to Aristotle? And that is exactly what is happening.
Ironically, today is s special day nationally - it is in the United States the National Day of Prayer. It is also in Wisconsin at least Mental Health Awareness month as declared by Governor Walker. It is also the day that two mental health related deaths occurred in Wisconsin with one in Milwaukee and one elsewhere (among others I am sure). In each case there was a mental health related element that went unresolved.
Milwaukee Police Chief Ed Flynn got angry (at a reasonable level) today about not enough being done for the mentally ill. He said that "none of the investments seem to go to the heart of the problem', when it comes to mental health. He also wanted to be clear that he was not saying this cause any hard feelings in the system, but to simply say that not enough was being done for the mentally ill. I concur. When is the madness going to stop?
Sadly, the very place where both emotional intelligence and logical intelligence should be addressed is also where mad men and mad young people choose to carry out mass killings and their own suicides. We are in dire straits. I do not know how children today can go to school in many communities without fear. I ask: "How do they do it?" Do they just believe it will not happen here - we are fearless? Is that a solution or masking over a deep problem? I think it is the latter.
That is why I think we need to promote EQ of the mind in both private and public schools to really address the problem. Here is how I see each:
I am not certain how easy this "picture" will be to see and read, so let me repeat some of it. First, I should explain that I have used my ARWAT method to set up an ideal order for emotions. Remember I don't think that either emotion or logic is bad and that actually the two together is the ideal. So here is the order of our emotions or feelings (ideally speaking only):
1) Acceptance & Shame (Acceptance is not the same as shameless)
2) Joy & Grief (Joy is not the same as grief-less)
3) Emulation & Envy (Emulation is not envy-less)
4) Confidence & Fear (Confidence is not fearless)
5) Calm & Anger (Calm is not anger-less)
Let me draw out these ideas a bit further:
Acceptance happens when we feel ready (whether due to internal or external reasons)
Shame happens when we feel unready (whether due to internal or external reasons)
Joy happens when there is a will and a way (whether due to internal or external reasons)
Grief happens when even if there is a will there is no way (whether due to internal or external reasons)
Emulation happens when people want to be as one example, "like Mike" (whether due to internal or external reasons)
Envy happens when people want to keep others from being "like Mike" (whether due to internal or external reasons)
Confidence happens when people can do something (whether due to internal or external reasons)
Fear happens when people can't do something (whether due to internal or external reasons)
Calm happens when a person is acknowledged or seen (whether due to internal or external reasons)
Anger happens when a person goes unacknowledged or unseen (whether due to internal or external reasons)
Let me also lay out intellectual intelligence though I have spoken or written about ARWAT before:
This tool combined with the first (see my other previous posts to better understand ARWAT as a method) combine to give us a mind that is ethical. Aristotle spoke of three elements of persuasion: the ethos (ethical), the pathos (emotional), and logos (logical). This latter too is logical. But combined with emotional intelligence, the two together can make a person ethical in terms of knowing good from wrong and greater from lesser.
It is time to resolve the mental health crisis. I say mental because the schools are doing it. They do not grade kids on emotional health. They grade them only on logical health. I have counseled people all the way up to summa cum laude's that were suicidal. They had IQ, but not EQ. I failed in EQ also back in 1983, and I was so devastated by the experience that I resolved and I asked the Good Lord not to ever bring me back there again. Folks, I have not ever been back there again especially in the last 10 years with a raised IQ, but also through years of counseling and good reading to where I have now raised my EQ.
I can't tell you how much I want to make this the month to change things. Why not choose the emotion of joy now over the emotion of grief? Is not putting the solution off simply inviting grief? Do you really think children are safe when adults and children lack emotional intelligence?
If you do I think you are like Magic Johnson who convinced himself that AIDs could never happen to him. If you will use your emotional intelligence and realize how it devastated Magic at least use your logic and remember he was wrong to think it. Let's make this Mental Health Awareness Month into Mental Health Change Month in Wisconsin and in the rest of our nation and the world. Can you give an emotional reason again not to chose joy now over more grief again? Please, I beg you do not procrastinate. It is too potentially costly to our schools. Let's bring back emotion into our teaching, so that the ethic of mass killing followed by high IQ person committing suicide may end. I pray to God on this National Day of Prayer that He will make it so.
Sincerely,
Jon
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