Monday, July 28, 2014
Communication Basics: Being Satisfied (A Tutoring Story)
C. S. Lewis once said we are far too easily pleased. I think we would agree that this also means people are far too easily satisfied. I tend to agree with him. That is, if I can believe the opinions of some of my students when I was a tutor. I asked one of my smarter tutoring student to give me an assessment on his fellow students.
Communication Basics: Being Ready (Tutoring in a Trilingual Context)
On one occasion I was called in to tutor a young student from a trilingual home situation. One parent spoke French as their first language. The other spoke Spanish as their first language. English in a private school was going to be a challenge. Thankfully, the assessment I did (that had been passed along to me by another tutor) on that occasion pointed directly at the challenge of English to this young person's mind.
I also functioned with the rule that it is best to work on their struggles in the context of their books and assignments from school without me adding further material. I always felt that extras could overwhelm the student through violating the K.I.S.S. (Kept It Simple Silly) principle. I also felt that their context needed to be real. I had to see what they were seeing.
So I had this student read from the text and then tell me in their own words what it meant. The student read eloquently for their age, but understood little of what they read. So I worked hard to raise the level of their comprehension through using not my current far better method of ARWAT, but using traditional grammar of all things. But it worked despite my shortcomings.
I'll never forget the day I was let go. It was bittersweet. I had accomplished what I set out to do. I had raised the level of their comprehension and the span of their comprehension. Her grades demonstrated their readiness for the challenge of English. All the grades were going up.
I guess when they are ready to go it alone, I've got to be ready to let go. It truly was exhilarating and bitter at the same time. But I could tell by the look on their face that they felt differently about themselves. Maybe they now felt accepted by their teachers and peers because of their new level of school performance.
Knowing that family, I bet you that student never looked back again. It is funny what a little acceptance and a little logical understanding of a third language can do to a person's life. Take care to know where acceptable is for you.
Sincerely,
Jon
I also functioned with the rule that it is best to work on their struggles in the context of their books and assignments from school without me adding further material. I always felt that extras could overwhelm the student through violating the K.I.S.S. (Kept It Simple Silly) principle. I also felt that their context needed to be real. I had to see what they were seeing.
So I had this student read from the text and then tell me in their own words what it meant. The student read eloquently for their age, but understood little of what they read. So I worked hard to raise the level of their comprehension through using not my current far better method of ARWAT, but using traditional grammar of all things. But it worked despite my shortcomings.
I'll never forget the day I was let go. It was bittersweet. I had accomplished what I set out to do. I had raised the level of their comprehension and the span of their comprehension. Her grades demonstrated their readiness for the challenge of English. All the grades were going up.
I guess when they are ready to go it alone, I've got to be ready to let go. It truly was exhilarating and bitter at the same time. But I could tell by the look on their face that they felt differently about themselves. Maybe they now felt accepted by their teachers and peers because of their new level of school performance.
Knowing that family, I bet you that student never looked back again. It is funny what a little acceptance and a little logical understanding of a third language can do to a person's life. Take care to know where acceptable is for you.
Sincerely,
Jon
Communications Basics: Be Seeing (A story of Refereeing)
When I became a referee after having been a player and a coach previously, it opened my eyes to how difficult being a referee was. But I didn't realize then how important a job the referee had, when it came to dealing with anger. I'm not talking player anger, I'm talking about fan anger.
It was at a tournament of some kind when I first ran into a fan who tried his best to frazzle me by berating my knowledge of the game of basketball. I remember at one point taking out the officiating manual and pointing out to him that the rules had changed. Anyway, the angry shouts over every supposed mistake I made in the game got to the point that others were telling me I had every right to remove him from the gym.
I felt instead I should give him some slack since I too at one time had been harder on officials than they deserved, so I gave this gentlemen a break. I know, he wasn't behaving like a gentleman.
A few years later, I was no longer wearing my officials uniform and was in a new position as a program director at a camp, when you might guess came in the door with a large young contingent. I recognized him. I never asked him, if he recognized me. He probably did.
But you know we became very good friends. I guess using a soft answer to turn away wrath really does work. I kept my peace and for not throwing him out on an occasion, I made a friend.
We've all probably been there at some time. Really angry at someone. And what did we do? Well, at least some of the time we probably made ourselves look rather unintelligent. We weren't seeing our anger or someone else's anger. And in the end the emotion of peace is linked to the logic of things. But in the end where these two meet, it comes down to us seeing things from another significant person's point of view.
If I had not seen how that man could be so angry, then I think we would not have become friends. I would have instead likely raised his anger to a whole new level. I'm glad I was able to see, to keep my peace, and to keep a friend. Unfortunately, I have not always done as well as I did that time. Take care and watch your seeing. Make sure you see what you ought to see.
Sincerely,
Jon
It was at a tournament of some kind when I first ran into a fan who tried his best to frazzle me by berating my knowledge of the game of basketball. I remember at one point taking out the officiating manual and pointing out to him that the rules had changed. Anyway, the angry shouts over every supposed mistake I made in the game got to the point that others were telling me I had every right to remove him from the gym.
I felt instead I should give him some slack since I too at one time had been harder on officials than they deserved, so I gave this gentlemen a break. I know, he wasn't behaving like a gentleman.
A few years later, I was no longer wearing my officials uniform and was in a new position as a program director at a camp, when you might guess came in the door with a large young contingent. I recognized him. I never asked him, if he recognized me. He probably did.
But you know we became very good friends. I guess using a soft answer to turn away wrath really does work. I kept my peace and for not throwing him out on an occasion, I made a friend.
We've all probably been there at some time. Really angry at someone. And what did we do? Well, at least some of the time we probably made ourselves look rather unintelligent. We weren't seeing our anger or someone else's anger. And in the end the emotion of peace is linked to the logic of things. But in the end where these two meet, it comes down to us seeing things from another significant person's point of view.
If I had not seen how that man could be so angry, then I think we would not have become friends. I would have instead likely raised his anger to a whole new level. I'm glad I was able to see, to keep my peace, and to keep a friend. Unfortunately, I have not always done as well as I did that time. Take care and watch your seeing. Make sure you see what you ought to see.
Sincerely,
Jon
Communication Basics: Being Willing: (A Tutoring Story)
Some of my best experiences come from one-on-one tutoring. What is especially helpful is to know that for young minds the emotions are especially paramount based on the development stages of Fowler and others. In all my tutoring, I always assess the student and parents before I agree to take on an assignment. I perform a basic SWOT (Strengths, Weaknesses, Opportunities, Threats) analysis and then determine whether or not I can help or if they need someone else.
During the start of my tutoring contact, the general parent plea is help my child do better in school. The general plea of the student is help me do better, so my teachers and my parents will get off my back. I say the latter a little tongue in cheek. They seriously just want to be able to do the task that the school is asking them to perform. They are usually very willing to take me on as long as I indicate what it is that they need and they agree with that assessment and the realize I can also provide what they need to their satisfaction.
Because here I am referring to things in a more confidential setting in the case of tutoring, I am not going to use names. If I did that, it might be harder for me to find students to tutor. I've tutored in California and the Midwest and it can be really gratifying.
On one occasion, I did have a young student for whom friendship was particularly important. It came down to counseling them through the issue of a supposed best friend who wasn't very friendly. They needed a little coaxing to help them be willing to find another best friend. That experience of letting go of a not so good best friend, helped that student flourish, but while they were not willing to let go of the not so good friend, their grades were suffering. Once this change happened where there was a change in friends, this student experienced more the joy and the connections with other students that feed that joy. I helped her reduce her grief at school.
It was fun afterward to watch this young student joyfully jump into their seat happy to learn. Sometimes all you do is give a person a reason to smile again, by helping them to let go of those who are barriers to their life rather than openings for joy.
One other quick note on this student relevant to the struggles of students today. I shared with the student a saying: "If you chase two rabbits, then both will escape". It helped them then to focus enough on each assignment rather than suffering from significant distractions. They even ran around the house teaching the rest of the family this principle. Sometimes tutoring has its own rewards.
One last part of this story. So as usual, I worked myself out of my job and the student became strong enough to handle what was needed on their own. Every parent apologizes to me as a tutor, when they say I am no longer needed. They don't realize that this is my greatest badge of honor: "I don't need you anymore, because I can now do it on my own". I'm so glad they can. That is my satisfaction.
Sincerely,
Jon
During the start of my tutoring contact, the general parent plea is help my child do better in school. The general plea of the student is help me do better, so my teachers and my parents will get off my back. I say the latter a little tongue in cheek. They seriously just want to be able to do the task that the school is asking them to perform. They are usually very willing to take me on as long as I indicate what it is that they need and they agree with that assessment and the realize I can also provide what they need to their satisfaction.
Because here I am referring to things in a more confidential setting in the case of tutoring, I am not going to use names. If I did that, it might be harder for me to find students to tutor. I've tutored in California and the Midwest and it can be really gratifying.
On one occasion, I did have a young student for whom friendship was particularly important. It came down to counseling them through the issue of a supposed best friend who wasn't very friendly. They needed a little coaxing to help them be willing to find another best friend. That experience of letting go of a not so good best friend, helped that student flourish, but while they were not willing to let go of the not so good friend, their grades were suffering. Once this change happened where there was a change in friends, this student experienced more the joy and the connections with other students that feed that joy. I helped her reduce her grief at school.
It was fun afterward to watch this young student joyfully jump into their seat happy to learn. Sometimes all you do is give a person a reason to smile again, by helping them to let go of those who are barriers to their life rather than openings for joy.
One other quick note on this student relevant to the struggles of students today. I shared with the student a saying: "If you chase two rabbits, then both will escape". It helped them then to focus enough on each assignment rather than suffering from significant distractions. They even ran around the house teaching the rest of the family this principle. Sometimes tutoring has its own rewards.
One last part of this story. So as usual, I worked myself out of my job and the student became strong enough to handle what was needed on their own. Every parent apologizes to me as a tutor, when they say I am no longer needed. They don't realize that this is my greatest badge of honor: "I don't need you anymore, because I can now do it on my own". I'm so glad they can. That is my satisfaction.
Sincerely,
Jon
Communication Basics: Being Able (A Football Story)
Sometimes in life a great person comes into your life who possesses what they need. You only release that thing in them. That was the case with one of my favorite players, Derrick Williams. Derrick was the kid with the infectious smile. But that infectious smile was in danger of turning into a serious frown. One day in practice, I noticed Derrick was being picked on for holding up our practices. He was last in nearly every drill. I really liked this kid and I shared with coach that I thought there was the possibility he might quit if we didn't address what he was facing in practice head on. The head coach and I, Marty Smith, at the time devised a plan. Marty knew something about students being picked on since he worked with the developmentally disabled. Derrick did have those kinds of issues, but his teammates weren't helping things at that point.
We decided to speak to Derrick alone to start. He told us how he had come out for football as part of an agreement with his parents as a way to lose weight. We asked him if he was able to do what we asked: Finish every drill to the best of his ability. We weren't asking him to start beating his teammates. We were asking him to beat his old self. We were asking him to never stop and to never quit. He agreed he could do that. We told him we would then be addressing the team and the expectations we had for them. I almost get emotional all over again trying to re-tell this story.
Likely the next day of practice, we addressed the players and told them that Derrick had promised us to never quit on the drills and that he would give it his all. So they were expected to encourage him. I don't think even Marty was ready for what was to come.
I didn't realize it then, but we gave Derrick a boost in confidence by letting him know he could do what we were asking. We also added to that a logical visible strategy of what we wanted him to do and it was doable for him. He did what we asked.
The results were beyond what I expected as well. I started watching the guys gradually get stronger in their encouragement of Derrick. I think it might have started to become a competition on who could shout the loudest for him in words of encouragement. There were too those slaps of encouragement that football players love. The atmosphere changed from one of jeering to cheering. It was the icing on the cake, but again there was something more that was to happen.
If I recall correctly, it was a year later when I saw a football player running toward me who I eventually recognized was Derrick. He was smiling from one side of his face to the other with that effectious smile of his. Here was a guy now shaped no longer widest in the middle, but widest in the shoulders and narrowest in the middle. It was amazing what he had done.
He had his emotional confidence. He had his logical "to do" plan. Who knows what Derrick might be able to accomplish. I can't wait to find out what you can do also. Take care.
Sincerely,
Jon
We decided to speak to Derrick alone to start. He told us how he had come out for football as part of an agreement with his parents as a way to lose weight. We asked him if he was able to do what we asked: Finish every drill to the best of his ability. We weren't asking him to start beating his teammates. We were asking him to beat his old self. We were asking him to never stop and to never quit. He agreed he could do that. We told him we would then be addressing the team and the expectations we had for them. I almost get emotional all over again trying to re-tell this story.
Likely the next day of practice, we addressed the players and told them that Derrick had promised us to never quit on the drills and that he would give it his all. So they were expected to encourage him. I don't think even Marty was ready for what was to come.
I didn't realize it then, but we gave Derrick a boost in confidence by letting him know he could do what we were asking. We also added to that a logical visible strategy of what we wanted him to do and it was doable for him. He did what we asked.
The results were beyond what I expected as well. I started watching the guys gradually get stronger in their encouragement of Derrick. I think it might have started to become a competition on who could shout the loudest for him in words of encouragement. There were too those slaps of encouragement that football players love. The atmosphere changed from one of jeering to cheering. It was the icing on the cake, but again there was something more that was to happen.
If I recall correctly, it was a year later when I saw a football player running toward me who I eventually recognized was Derrick. He was smiling from one side of his face to the other with that effectious smile of his. Here was a guy now shaped no longer widest in the middle, but widest in the shoulders and narrowest in the middle. It was amazing what he had done.
He had his emotional confidence. He had his logical "to do" plan. Who knows what Derrick might be able to accomplish. I can't wait to find out what you can do also. Take care.
Sincerely,
Jon
Communication Basics: Being Ready (A Football Story)
There are only a few games in my entire coaching career where I felt a bit of shame. In three cases, there was nothing that I could do, because control over aspects of the game had been taken from me. There was one game where it looked like I might feel more than a bit of shame. I was the coach in charge. The head caoch was gone for that week. I thought we were reasonably ready to play. That time I was wrong.
We unceremoniously fell behind 16-0 at the end of the first half. For a freshman team that is a long way behind, because usually a quarterback takes a bit longer to mature as a passer than do some of the other positions with their respective roles. So heading to our end zone area at the end of the half, I had better have something to say to avoid a potentially embarrassing loss.
I saw everyone of my player's heads hanging. I think I interpreted this as a lack of confidence at the time. I now realize it was a clear indication of shame. You know this too. Your parents will say to you when you are ashamed, "Stop hanging your head". So I pulled out a story that didn't just address fear and confidence, but also shame and acceptance. I did not realize the latter then, but I got lucky. Then I hitched to that story the idea of Keep It Simple Silly (KISS). I was just thinking of the idea of information load here and not overloading their brains. Actually, it is also a great logic to connect with the feelings of acceptance. How many times can a guy get lucky in one game?
So I shared with them that I had watched our team while I was playing come back from 21-0 at the half and win in a state record 5 overtimes. Part of this story too each guy taking responsibility for their part on the field rather than pointing the finger at someone else. Then I told the offense one thing to fix and the defense one thing to fix. I told them not to think about any other errors. Just fix the biggest on each side of the ball. This did avoid mental overload, but it also avoided acceptance overload - we'll never measure up.
I was about to be greeted by one of the greatest turn arounds I have witnessed in my life. Two things really stand out. First, is one of the more talented players on our team stepping up and taking on more responsibility rather than pointing his finger at others. The other is that the defense did exactly what I asked and it changed everything on that side of the ball. The offense quickly turned their game around as well as we roared back into the game the second half. Very late in the game, we had one play left to win or to lose, the score was that close.
We came up just a few yards shy on that last play of winning the game. Everyone on our sideline knew that with more play or with any more luck we would have won. The most shocking thing was the response from our fans. One of the parents said that in all of the games he had witnessed he had never seen anything like it. I also was greeted by the other coach who asked, "What did you change at halftime?" I had to apologize and say I can't answer that question. They were after all probably our number one rival in our conference.
But only sidnce this last May 2014, have I seen what I did. I did it then, but I didn't see it. Not only that I think I mishandled the players feelings of acceptance later, because I didn't know that is what they were feeling. You see that second half, the KISS method made it possible for the players on each side to feel they measured up to what was acceptable to me and then thta changed the scoreboard in terms of what was acceptable to their fans. It is a "shame" that we didn't score on that last play, but the shame of the first half, it was rightly gone. They had good reason to feel so unashamed for that half. Take care and face down shame and aim instead for acceptance. That is the emotional part of being ready.
Sincerely
We unceremoniously fell behind 16-0 at the end of the first half. For a freshman team that is a long way behind, because usually a quarterback takes a bit longer to mature as a passer than do some of the other positions with their respective roles. So heading to our end zone area at the end of the half, I had better have something to say to avoid a potentially embarrassing loss.
I saw everyone of my player's heads hanging. I think I interpreted this as a lack of confidence at the time. I now realize it was a clear indication of shame. You know this too. Your parents will say to you when you are ashamed, "Stop hanging your head". So I pulled out a story that didn't just address fear and confidence, but also shame and acceptance. I did not realize the latter then, but I got lucky. Then I hitched to that story the idea of Keep It Simple Silly (KISS). I was just thinking of the idea of information load here and not overloading their brains. Actually, it is also a great logic to connect with the feelings of acceptance. How many times can a guy get lucky in one game?
So I shared with them that I had watched our team while I was playing come back from 21-0 at the half and win in a state record 5 overtimes. Part of this story too each guy taking responsibility for their part on the field rather than pointing the finger at someone else. Then I told the offense one thing to fix and the defense one thing to fix. I told them not to think about any other errors. Just fix the biggest on each side of the ball. This did avoid mental overload, but it also avoided acceptance overload - we'll never measure up.
I was about to be greeted by one of the greatest turn arounds I have witnessed in my life. Two things really stand out. First, is one of the more talented players on our team stepping up and taking on more responsibility rather than pointing his finger at others. The other is that the defense did exactly what I asked and it changed everything on that side of the ball. The offense quickly turned their game around as well as we roared back into the game the second half. Very late in the game, we had one play left to win or to lose, the score was that close.
We came up just a few yards shy on that last play of winning the game. Everyone on our sideline knew that with more play or with any more luck we would have won. The most shocking thing was the response from our fans. One of the parents said that in all of the games he had witnessed he had never seen anything like it. I also was greeted by the other coach who asked, "What did you change at halftime?" I had to apologize and say I can't answer that question. They were after all probably our number one rival in our conference.
But only sidnce this last May 2014, have I seen what I did. I did it then, but I didn't see it. Not only that I think I mishandled the players feelings of acceptance later, because I didn't know that is what they were feeling. You see that second half, the KISS method made it possible for the players on each side to feel they measured up to what was acceptable to me and then thta changed the scoreboard in terms of what was acceptable to their fans. It is a "shame" that we didn't score on that last play, but the shame of the first half, it was rightly gone. They had good reason to feel so unashamed for that half. Take care and face down shame and aim instead for acceptance. That is the emotional part of being ready.
Sincerely
Communication Basics: Being Willing (A Football Story)
Two times after games I have had the opposing coaches ask me what I did after a victory. Of course, I could not tell them then, because I wanted to keep our competitve advantage. Well, time has now passed and I can be more open about what we did as a staff and players.
By far, one of the most dramatic games I have ever coached was one where we entirely blew another team out as far as the score was concerned. I don't know any longer the exact details, so I apologize for any errors, but I ask that you indulge me for using my best guesses. I do know two details for certain. We did not allow them to score and they gained minus yards for their offence for the entire game.
It was the same year as the LA Riots of the spring of that same year, except it was now the fall following adn there was fear over another race related incident. The LA Riots had inflicted a great deal of damage upon the city. Not just in its buildings, but in its people. Race relations had significantly diminished. In some neighborhoods where different racial groups had enjoyed relative friendship there were now more hard feelings.
In a time of a breakdown in relationships between people, there is always a sense of grief. But in this case, it wasn't a loss related to losing a friend due to natural health reasons. It was related to accusations of prejudice based on race. This same kind of issue as I recall happened again in the through an incident relating to police conduct again.
At this same time, there was also a freshman football game scheduled between our predonminately caucasionan school and a school that was predominantly Afriecan_ American school. School administrators from both schools wisely decided to delay the game another waek before we played each other. Unfortuanatley, while wisdom prevailed the folloiwing week not much had changed in the minds of our players. I think the general sense on the bus was that what is usually a friendly game of football might turn out to be otherwise. Our guys were reasonably afraid of playing under those conditions. What I noticed was that the fear was not isolated to a few players. There was fear that could lead to a disasterous outome. I turned to the head coach and I mentioned that due to our duty to keep our players safe, we might have to forfeit due to our players' state of mind. Marty was the head coach and he was not too keen on that idea.
I agreed with him and then I saw a way out for us. I told him I thought the actual threat of a forfeit might wake our players up and I might be able to convince our players to play with the condition that they could not play with fear. He allowed me to try it.
When the bus stopped at the opposing school, I heard the rattle of pads and asked the players to remain in their seats. I told them I was going to talk to the opposing coach. Our team captains quickly realized something was up and they wanted to know what. I told them that due to their fear, I felt that we had to consider forfeiting because fear is not a safe way to approach the game. In football terms, we call it a major factor in entering a game and "getting killed".
As I expected, they wanted nothing to do with a forfeit. So I made a bargain with them. If they didn't want to forfeit, then they needed to overcome their fear of unfriendly competition. I didn't use the word confidence, but I know that is what I wanted from them. I then told them a strategy for overcoming their fears based on my dad's saying, "they are more afraid of you than you are of them" and one of my coaches allowing me to set the bar with an opposing player where he was afraid of me rather than the other way around. I also reminded our players that while they needed to play hard they needed to play clean. This is what I think more than anything keeps competition friendly. Playing hard was to mean just that without any cheap shots.
I must have gotten their attention and they were absolutely true to their word to do as I asked. They satisfied entirely Coach Marty Smith's and my concerns. They went straight down the field on the opening kickoff and it looked like a bowling ball knocking down the pins in an alley for a strike.
We won that day without any effort to run up the score, something like 38-0. But perahaps the most telling was the defensive effort of keeping the other team to a minus 7 yards for the game. Keep in mind this was a freshman squad. They were a long ways from seasoned senior players.
This game demonstrates the importance of addressing not just strategy and plans but also the emotions of players. The other thing is that the order was emotions first, logic second. This fits with the findings of Dan Goleman in his book, Emotional Intelligence. The result was a team that was willing to play cleanly and without fear right then and there. The game turned into a joyful occasion from one that seemed would turn out otherwise on the ride over on the bus. Even in the greeting at the end of the game, the other coach clearly perceived the cleanness of our game. He just had one simple question. What did you do?
I'm still hesitant to tell the whole story. But anyway, now he and others know more than I revealed then. Telling the whole story is almost like telling everybody your favorite fishing hole. No one does that, do they?. Anyway, I still am going to hold a little back. Take care of your fearful players.
Sincerely,
Jon
By far, one of the most dramatic games I have ever coached was one where we entirely blew another team out as far as the score was concerned. I don't know any longer the exact details, so I apologize for any errors, but I ask that you indulge me for using my best guesses. I do know two details for certain. We did not allow them to score and they gained minus yards for their offence for the entire game.
It was the same year as the LA Riots of the spring of that same year, except it was now the fall following adn there was fear over another race related incident. The LA Riots had inflicted a great deal of damage upon the city. Not just in its buildings, but in its people. Race relations had significantly diminished. In some neighborhoods where different racial groups had enjoyed relative friendship there were now more hard feelings.
In a time of a breakdown in relationships between people, there is always a sense of grief. But in this case, it wasn't a loss related to losing a friend due to natural health reasons. It was related to accusations of prejudice based on race. This same kind of issue as I recall happened again in the through an incident relating to police conduct again.
At this same time, there was also a freshman football game scheduled between our predonminately caucasionan school and a school that was predominantly Afriecan_ American school. School administrators from both schools wisely decided to delay the game another waek before we played each other. Unfortuanatley, while wisdom prevailed the folloiwing week not much had changed in the minds of our players. I think the general sense on the bus was that what is usually a friendly game of football might turn out to be otherwise. Our guys were reasonably afraid of playing under those conditions. What I noticed was that the fear was not isolated to a few players. There was fear that could lead to a disasterous outome. I turned to the head coach and I mentioned that due to our duty to keep our players safe, we might have to forfeit due to our players' state of mind. Marty was the head coach and he was not too keen on that idea.
I agreed with him and then I saw a way out for us. I told him I thought the actual threat of a forfeit might wake our players up and I might be able to convince our players to play with the condition that they could not play with fear. He allowed me to try it.
When the bus stopped at the opposing school, I heard the rattle of pads and asked the players to remain in their seats. I told them I was going to talk to the opposing coach. Our team captains quickly realized something was up and they wanted to know what. I told them that due to their fear, I felt that we had to consider forfeiting because fear is not a safe way to approach the game. In football terms, we call it a major factor in entering a game and "getting killed".
As I expected, they wanted nothing to do with a forfeit. So I made a bargain with them. If they didn't want to forfeit, then they needed to overcome their fear of unfriendly competition. I didn't use the word confidence, but I know that is what I wanted from them. I then told them a strategy for overcoming their fears based on my dad's saying, "they are more afraid of you than you are of them" and one of my coaches allowing me to set the bar with an opposing player where he was afraid of me rather than the other way around. I also reminded our players that while they needed to play hard they needed to play clean. This is what I think more than anything keeps competition friendly. Playing hard was to mean just that without any cheap shots.
I must have gotten their attention and they were absolutely true to their word to do as I asked. They satisfied entirely Coach Marty Smith's and my concerns. They went straight down the field on the opening kickoff and it looked like a bowling ball knocking down the pins in an alley for a strike.
We won that day without any effort to run up the score, something like 38-0. But perahaps the most telling was the defensive effort of keeping the other team to a minus 7 yards for the game. Keep in mind this was a freshman squad. They were a long ways from seasoned senior players.
This game demonstrates the importance of addressing not just strategy and plans but also the emotions of players. The other thing is that the order was emotions first, logic second. This fits with the findings of Dan Goleman in his book, Emotional Intelligence. The result was a team that was willing to play cleanly and without fear right then and there. The game turned into a joyful occasion from one that seemed would turn out otherwise on the ride over on the bus. Even in the greeting at the end of the game, the other coach clearly perceived the cleanness of our game. He just had one simple question. What did you do?
I'm still hesitant to tell the whole story. But anyway, now he and others know more than I revealed then. Telling the whole story is almost like telling everybody your favorite fishing hole. No one does that, do they?. Anyway, I still am going to hold a little back. Take care of your fearful players.
Sincerely,
Jon
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